A New Beginning

Forgive you....not

2012-02-11T19:28:00.005+02:00

After all that's been said and done. After all that's been felt and expressed. After the accusations, the blame games, and the bitterness. There is this one thing that it all boils down to. Not that the others don't matter. They do. But they were borne for many years and could've been borne still. Because even though I said there wasn't......there was. Love. Even though I thought there wasn't...now I believe there was. If only for the fact that I can't hate you. After the hurt and the deprivation, I still can't hate you. After the overwhelming sadness and loss, I still forgave you most, but not all. And I never forget.
But you took that one thing away from me. That one thing that I can't forgive nor forget. Every time I take a walk down memory lane, it hurts. Every time a sweet memory reappears, the bitterness surfaces. Every time the calm circles, the anger prevails. Every recall of a positive moment gets overshadowed by negativity. Every happiness that was once felt, is lost to an overbearing yearning. A yearning so profound that it is almost physically painful. Because of this one thing that I can't forgive nor forget.
I don't think I will ever forgive you for that. Not only because of the act, but more so because you knew. You knew. You knew what I would be losing. You knew that I had been always looking for it. You knew how much I wanted it. You knew how much I had been waiting for this my whole life. You knew. You knew because I told you. You knew because I trusted you. You knew because you were the first one to know. You knew.
You took away my home. The only real home I ever knew. The home that was mine. The home that was stable after a lifetime of instability. The home that belonged to me and I belonged to. The home I ran away to. The home that was my escape from multiple pseudo homes. The home that was the family I worked so hard to build. So hard. The walls, the rooms, the closed doors. My home. It was enough. It was worth the tears and the sleepless nights. It was worth the lost identity. It was worth the sacrifices. It was worth it all. My home.
One decision. Just one decision cost me my home. And you knew what that meant to me. You knew. You took away my home. And for that, I will never forgive you. After all that's been said and done.

2012-02-07T15:44:00.002+02:00

You will never know the depths of my desires. You will never experience the heights of my passion. You will never conquer me. You will never own me.

You will try so hard. And you will fail.

Trapped

2012-02-07T13:07:00.002+02:00

For so long. Words unsaid. Emotions not felt. Confusion that doesn't end. Desires controlled. Wings clipped. But more than that. Aware and unaware. A debate that has been going on forever. Right or left. Black or white. Wrong?? Define wrong. Potential? For what? A dream or a reality. True or an illusion. A belief or a fantasy.
Trapped. In thoughts that do not rest. In questions that have no answers. In a mediocre state that was never sufficient for containment of the wandering mind.
An escape. To a faraway land that does not exist. In dreams that are hard to realize. A release that will never materialize.
A peasant with golden hair. In a rough land with thorns. An outstretched hand without line of vision. A piercing glance that knows no end. A passionate heart and a ruthless mind in constant conflict. A painter, a writer, a magician. Tricks of the mind. Loss of the soul. A gripping fear and raw pain. Contradictions of the ordinary to pursue the extraordinary. A silenced scream.
Break free. Or wither away.....

Mellow

2012-02-05T05:26:00.002+02:00

Peaceful. Content. Unpredictable. Incredibly calm. Uncaring. So caring. Confident. In control. Out of control. Hopeful. Optimistic. Not dwelling.
Finally moving on? Maybe.
And yes....just a bit happy.

Illusions

2012-01-12T13:45:00.004+02:00

She lifted up her head from the book she was reading and looked ahead. Something had caught her attention but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She looked around her with interest. And then, she figured it out. It was his scent. Her heart skipped a beat. Could it be him? She looked around again, this time with more eagerness, her heartbeats quickening with every glance she cast.

He'd been watching her for the past hour. She looked so vulnerable being engrossed in her book like that. She hadn't lifted her head the whole time he'd been there. She hadn't felt his eyes on her. He'd never seen anyone so beautiful...so innocent. With her bangs falling carelessly on her forehead and casting a shadow across her eyes, it took all of his resistance not to get out of his chair, walk up to her, and push those bangs back into place. Suddenly, she looked up breathlessly. His heart skipped a beat. Could she have noticed him? Should he work up the courage to go talk to her. He waited.

He entered casually. He never noticed the effect he had on a place when he entered. It was not his good looks, as much as his confident stride, and his head held up high that caught the attention. But he never cared. And he never looked sideways...always ahead. Never stopping to notice an admiring glance or an appreciative look. He paused, trying to decide where to sit. He looked around, and that's when he caught her eye. It took a moment to register that it was her. But when it did, a slow smile spread across his face, a smile that mirrored hers. He waited for her to make her move...as always.

Finale....

As the smile kept spreading across her face, she closed her book slowly, took a deep breath, and lifted herself up out of her chair. Her heart was beating so hard she thought it would explode out of her chest. Her breathing was shallow, and her hands were slightly shaking. She'd never done something like this before. She walked across, leaned forward slowly, and extended her hand...

"Hi...I'm Mira. I noticed you've been watching me the entire time you've been here. Would you care to join me for a cup of coffee so that we can be properly introduced?"

Self pity

2012-01-09T15:31:00.003+02:00

You see, it's like this....you know it's wrong, and you know you should be stronger than that. You know that there are a lot of people that look up to you. You know that it's not as bad as it seems. And you know that half the shit you're thinking of is probably exaggerated. But in the end, it's how you feel. Forget what's right and what's wrong. Forget what's real and what's exaggerated. Forget that some people are much worse off. Forget that if it were someone else, they'd react differently. Forget that if it were a friend, you'd tell them to man up and get a grip. This is how you feel - right now - today - right this minute.
And you don't give a rat's ass who disapproves.

2012-01-05T12:10:00.000+02:00

اشتقت اليك فعلمنى أن لا أشتاق

I've learned.....

2012-01-03T14:48:00.002+02:00

That your parents are your idols ...until you grow up and discover that they're only human beings

That everyone has a story to tell....and they're all different stories

That we are all weak....even the toughest ones around

That nobody means to hurt anybody......but we're all hurting inside

That it's easy to pass judgement on others....but harder to pass judgement on yourself

That the simplest pleasures in life are more important than the greater pleasures

That the past is always sweeter when it's over....even though it was bitter when it happened

That tomorrow is full of promises....but we never believe that

That it's easier to beat yourself up....than to accept that it's ok to make mistakes

That a person can smile through the eyes.....before it reaches the lips

That the harder the journey.....the wiser you become

That it's easier to stay in your comfort zone.....than to challenge yourself

That we all want an escape from reality.....but regret it when it happens

That happiness is relative....but sadness is shared

That we all do the same mistakes over and over again.....even though we pretend that we've learned the lesson

That love is an emotion no one really understands

That sometimes our quest for life is mainly our quest for love....and when we find it, we push it away

That every person has a talent.....undiscovered and unearthed

That there are no limits to our dreams.....and no end to our disappointments

That anyone can do anything....if they want to

That heartbreak and loss can be felt physically....painfully

That a good cry can wash away the sorrows of the soul

That nothing lasts forever

That we all think we know the answers to all the questions.....even though we cannot be more ignorant

That life is a lesson that never ends

That in order to rise, we have to fall....hard

That our love for life can only be equated with our hatred for it

That it's easier to blame the victim than it is to blame the opressor

That the most beautiful words in the world are "I love you mummy"

That music has a power far greater than we can imagine

That words can sometimes make you....or break you

That some people touch your lives......forever

Life is......

2012-01-03T13:17:00.002+02:00

A sphere of endless possibilities

A disappointment

A joy ride

A rollercoaster

A valley and a hill

A learning experience

A mystery

A combination of expectations

A will and a way

A means and an end

A ritual and a discovery

A rainbow and a thunderstorm

A desert and a cave

A high and a low

A yesterday and a tomorrow

Life is.....life

Divorce

2011-12-31T14:47:00.002+02:00

Divorce is hard. There is no other word to describe it. No matter how amicable the separation is, no matter the amount of mutual respect shared, no matter how much you know that it is for the best….it is still hard. It is still hard to end a relationship where you took vows to be together forever…whatever forever stands for. It is hard to sleep in a bed that was once shared and is now empty. It is hard to remember that this person can no longer touch you, can no longer hold you…..even though this person can also never hurt you anymore, you still feel bad that it’s over. You still feel bad that you are starting all over again, as if what happened didn’t matter, never mattered, and will no longer matter. It is hard to think back and remember a moment that was sweet, as much as it is hard to think back and remember a moment that was bitter.
It is hard because there was once a love shared, a child raised, a worry spoken out loud….there were once promises made, dreams revealed. There was a future, and there was a past. There was no unknown. There was no guilt. There was no “what ifs”. And then there’s the collateral damage. The other parties involved in the equation. The children, the spouse, the in-laws. There’s the constant admonition of yourself for what you did wrong and what you could’ve done right. There’s the constant fear that you may have scarred someone irrevocably , the constant fear that what goes around comes around. There’s the fear that maybe it’s all in your head and you didn’t try hard enough. And the guilt, the guilt, the guilt.
There’s the shattered self esteem, the sense of failure, the sense of loss. There’s the emotional baggage that no matter how hard you try to understand, you can’t. Because it’s too complicated. It’s an interwoven web of feelings and emotions, some old – some new, some clear – some hidden, some true – some fake.
And then there’s you being an emotional burden on all those that surround you. It’s as if life has ceased to exist for everyone around you and you can only focus on yourself. Because every day you go through an emotional or logistical crisis, sometimes minor ones and others catastrophic. And you always have to be rational. Because you’ve lost a lot, and you can’t lose anymore. But you’re drained. There’s nothing left to give. But you have to charge up and give some more – for all the others involved in the equation. You’re still the pivotal point that has to hold it altogether. So you try and you try. And your friends come in lower priority. Even though they have been your support system – they are the first ones to suffer from your lack of interest in life. And because you can’t afford to lose more than you’ve already lost…..and it goes on and on.
And then there’s the neediness. The part you hate most. The vulnerability. Because you’re not used to that. You’re used to being in control. Being in charge. But now you’re needy – and you hate it so much so you try to hide it. But it shows up when you do things you usually don’t. And you’re lucky if you’re needy with people who understand – people who don’t come and rub it in your face when you’re down….you hate yourself if that ever happens, but it does and it will. But to all his dues – what goes around, comes around.
And then there’s the guilt….again and again and again.
Divorce is hard.

Lonely

2011-12-30T22:53:00.002+02:00

I'm lonely. For the first time in my entire life, I am admitting it to myself. I am incredibly lonely. And I realize now that I have been lonely most of my life. One of the few things he ever got right was when he saw my photographs as a child and he mentioned that I wasn't smiling in any of them. And yes that's true....I don't remember ever being happy back then - happy...what does that word even mean? And when I smiled, I smiled a sad smile. I actually laugh and smile more now as an adult - which is even sadder. I don't feel sorry for myself; I'm just wondering if this is something ingrained in my genes....the inability to be happy. Maybe it's me - maybe I just don't have it in me. I mean, same time last year, I was surrounded by more people than I could count on two hands, and I felt lonely. And today, I am all alone, and I also feel lonely. Is there no pleasing me. Am I incapable of attracting happiness? Or am I incapable of appreciating the good things in my life? Or am I too screwed up to realize what it is that would really make me not feel lonely....what would make me happy?
I am searching for the answer to a question that is the key to all my being, and I can't figure it out. Will I always want what I can't have, and as soon as I have it not want it? Is this the science of life, or the science of me? What the hell do I want??!!! This question is driving me nuts! The only way to answer it is by getting to know myself more....honestly....not who I would like to be, but who I really am....the scary part is...what if I don't like who I am?
Why am I lonely? Why hasn't anyone penetrated this shell...broken it....taken over it? Is it because I haven't met that person yet? Or is it because I would never ever let anyone do that? Why am I even doing this? I have to stop being too self centered....the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me - the world does not revolve around me.
I'll keep reminding myself of that.

Sacrifices

2011-12-29T13:18:00.001+02:00

I don't believe in them.....because in the end, there's always a price. Nothing is for free.

New Year's Resolutions - "More of a checklist:)"

2011-12-28T12:04:00.005+02:00

In no specific order:

Get the car maintenance scheduled and done

Learn how to change a flat tire

Get DD enrolled in tennis and/or guitar class

Get a grip on my career

Seriously work on my business project

Maintain and/or lose some weight

Get necessary medical checkups

Work out regularly

Manage my time better

Maintain my prayers

Write more

Think of studying something new

Do something purely for charity, just to please God, no personal satisfaction whatsoever

Get a grip on my life (which probably includes all the above and below)

Make sure my kids are happy and healthy

Buy a flat screen

Fix the kitchen gas connection

Travel somewhere (preferably somewhere I haven't been to before)

File and catalogue all my papers and documents

Look for a new place to live (extended over a 3 year period and subject to financial circumstances)

Focus more attention on my friends and quit being so self involved

Resume working on my novel

Ride a motorbike (don't know how but I really want to)

Start saving money

Spend more time with my kids

Hang the oil paintings on the wall

And last but not least.......NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A MAN

Please please please God make it a good year. Please give me the strength to do all the above and even more. Please help me achieve my dreams. Please guide me, don't leave me, even if I haven't lived up to your expectations. I need you. And I believe in you so much. And I know you believe in me too.

Please.....don't clip my wings.

Not a heartbreaker?

2011-12-26T11:21:00.003+02:00

Am I really not? Or am I kidding myself?
And even though I thought it would be simple it didn't turn out to be....am I that dumb or that simple or that naive or that stupid! Or am I just kidding myself and using people for my benefit until it gets serious and then I want to bail. But no....I refuse to believe that I am a heartbreaker!! I am not....I want it simple and easy....I want it beautiful and genuine....I want it to last....I want a friendship, a good time....I want companionship....I want release.....I want to listen and be heard....I want it simple!!!! Why the hell does it always have to be so complicated???
Why does someone always have to get hurt? Actually, everyone gets hurt in this formula....the giver, the taker, the winner, the loser....all the same no difference. Nobody wins - what difference does it make? Why am I still even asking? What's the point?
There's no "just" fooling around....because in the end somebody gets fooled.....and unfortunately, so far, it hasn't been me. I don't want to be a heartbreaker.
I'm done.

Missing you

2011-12-07T04:26:00.002+02:00

There's an emptiness in my soul that I'm trying to resist. I'm missing you but I don't want you to know. I feel a slow death creeping slowly...I'm resisting that too. I don't even know what I feel for you. I don't think it's love. Love would be more complete. But I'm living my life completely without you. Am I just filling my time? Am I just pretending I don't care? Or do I want to live a story that doesn't even exist? What's that hold you have on me? Why can't I let go when everything is telling me I should. But I'm not even holding on. The farther you go, the more I want to bring you back. The farther I go, the harder you try to bring me back. Is it a game? Are we that sick and demented? Or are we that vulnerable?
What is love? It's an emotion I don't think I possess anymore - maybe I never even possessed. It's all an illusion....a fantasy. There's passion, there's desire, there's need....but there is no love. The pure, innocent, love you more than life type of love.....I don't believe in it anymore. We can all live without love - we can all get over our stories. After all, they're just stories...weaved from our imagination, derived from our weaknesses, fed by our needs. But they're only stories - not real.... not true.
But I'm still missing you........

2011-06-22T13:54:00.002+02:00

This post is just to confirm that endings are very sad. And ugly. And hurtful. And someone has to be the villian. I guess this is the way things are. No point in trying to change them. So, you want something to end? Well, bear the brunt of it. Suffer the consequences. Know that you are hated by all the people that loved you before. Yes!!! Isn't this the ending you sought? Then why the hell are you sad now? Well, yes I wanted it to end....but it did it have to end in such a tragic way? Couldn't we have been civilized? Why the HELL NOT????? Does someone have an answer? Probably not.

As for begininngs....well....scary is the understatement of the year. And I'm not even there yet.

يا قلبى....

2011-06-19T15:06:00.002+02:00

ماذا تريد يا قلبى هيا افتنى...سئمت ترددك....سئمت ضعفك امام عقلى...سئمت انسياقك خلف الضمير.
قل لى يا قلبى ماذا تريد...
هل تستطيع الحياة بدون الحب المنتهى؟
هل ستكتفى بالفتات و تلتقط ما تستطيع من العشاق؟
أم ستأبى و تصرخ طلبا للنجاة؟
هيا يا قلبى افتنى...
سئمتك سئمتك سئمتك مثلما سئمت كل أنواع الهوى

Beginning, Middle, and End.....

2011-06-15T14:06:00.002+02:00

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what Momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will....." Hope Floats movie.
I saw this movie only once, but this quote has been stuck with me ever since. The amount of truth in it is staggering. Right now, I feel that I'm just starting to overcome my childhood. But I'm in the three stages all at once. I'm in the middle, but it's also a new beginning with a very sad ending. How can I handle that? The thoughts in my head are running around all at once. Confusion, determination, guilt, relief, and then belief and determination once again. There's also the tiniest trace of fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of venegance.....At times, I'm so sure that I'm doing the right thing. That I am actually being selfless in my desires. Thinking of myself but also thinking of others. Not taking the easy way out. But taking the hardest way out. And then there is the question of identity - is this a lost identity trying to find itself? Or is this an identity that is losing itself? Who am I? What do I want? Am I really broken? I pause and think, and if I am honest with myself - yes I am broken. Even if I don't like the real me. The me who can be broken and who cannot endure forever. The me who wants to be selfish and thinks it's ok to be so. The me who has desires and needs, and doesn't think it's ok to ignore them anymore. But who was I? Why was I so scared of who I really am? Why did I bury all these desires and needs for so long? Why did I pretend I was happy when I was not? Why did I settle for less than what satisfies me? And why am I not settling anymore? Was it a fear of the Divine? Was I taking a path of purity that I could not maintain? Or was I just a normal human being that did not understand her capabilities and limitations, and now I do? But does even knowing that make me feel better? Am I a better or a worse person? Should I even care to know the answer to this question?
I am who I am. I just need to find out who that person is.

A story of a girl

2011-06-06T00:44:00.002+02:00

This is the story of a girl who fell in love when she shouldn't have. She didn't even know if what she felt was love...infatuation...desire....or something else entirely. All she knew was that she wanted to see him all the time. To look in his eyes all the time. To be possessed by him all the time. All she knew was that she was willing to risk everything just to be held by him; just to lie in his arms; just to taste his lips. All she knew is that she loved listening to his stories, no matter how many times he repeated them. That she loved to hear his voice. That she wanted to taste his tears...swallow them....make sure he never cries again. All she knew was that when he looked at her....that deep loving look, everything seemed ok. Everything was possible. Everything was safe. All she knew she felt for sure was that he didn't love her back. All she knew was that he didn't belong to her. Although she could see herself carrying his children. Although she could see herself stroking his hair late into the night. Although she could see herself kissing his lips everyday. Although she could see herself growing beautiful by the minute....if only he loved her back. This is the story of a girl who had everything to lose and nothing to gain. This is the story of a girl who wanted to lose it all and only gain the one thing she couldn't have. This is the story that is as old as the world and as new as the morning dew. This is the story that is like all love stories......a story that has the same beginning but a different ending......every single time.

The Rollercoaster

2011-05-27T20:18:00.002+02:00

The rollercoaster ride is so exhilarating.....it's a rush like no other rush. You want to scream, you want to laugh, and you want to cry all at the same time. And when it's done, you want to ride all over again. Even though you were really scared during the ride....even though you were hanging upside down most of the time; all you remember is the rush.
I wonder if that's what I'll feel after this rollercoaster ride. Although the rush is not the dominant feeling right now. I feel all the confusion, all the fear, all the uncertainty of coming out of it unscathed. But I don't feel the rush yet.
I can't wait to find out the state I'll be in when it's over....I just hope it's the one I'm wishing for....

2010-11-24T10:08:00.001+02:00

AM I A DOORMAT??

2010-11-04T11:49:00.002+02:00

So, it's happened again. It feels like shit still. No difference. Didn't get used to it. Still dealing the same way. Bottling it all up. Trying not to think. And when I do think it hurts like hell. Unbearable. I keep thinking what is next? What is out there for me? Everyhting is blank before my eyes. The thing I feared most has happened. No control. Just passing the time. Just living. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling this feeling. I hate succumbing to this feeling. I hate this.....hate it...hate it!!!!

You know what I mean. Forgive me. I am not complaining. Just venting. But you know. I know you know. You give me strength. And knowing this gives me strength. Stay with me. Make me stronger. Make my faith stronger. This is what keeps me going. Make me wise. Let me endure it all the right way. I need you now more than ever. Ya Rab.

2008-07-19T01:08:00.002+03:00

Sometimes I'm so pissed off that I can't even describe my feelings, or why I'm so pissed off. Like now - having a feeling that people are so unfair, or maybe so stupid. Or maybe I'm the one who's stupid for accepting a lot of things that I do accept. And I know I'll calm down later, and tell myself that I was being silly, and that it wasn't worth it to get so upset. That's just the way I am. I forgive quickly and easily. I think it's a lifetime of losing things and people that mean a lot to me that has taught me not to dwell on my disappointments too much. After all, we all make mistakes - giving people excuses and enjoying the good times means much more to me. I just wish more people would start to think that way. That's the frustrating part; I think I'm the only one in my surroundings that's willing to forgive and forget - and move on. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I'm numb. I'll do my part, and one day they too will learn. Until then, I will become upset and pissed off every now and then......and then it will pass.

Words........

2006-11-28T14:47:00.000+02:00

Words said to a married friend of mine this morning on msn....she really liked them, so I thought I should post them here:

It is not a war....it is a lifetime of sharing and love....it doesn't matter who is stronger than who....you will be strong in a way and he will be strong in a way...the key is to complete each other, not compete with each other....

Two separate yet related incidents.........

2006-11-15T09:37:00.000+02:00

A few weeks ago, my cell phone rings and I answer. It's the recruitment agency. The following conversation takes place:

Recruiter: I finally found the perfect job for you
And she proceeds to tell me the job specifications and offer, which I really like.
Me: Great! So, when can I go for an interview?
Recruiter: I just have one question for you first.....
Me: Sure.........
Recruiter: Are you veiled?
Me: Ummm, no.......
Recruiter: Oh good.....
Me: Sorry??
Recruiter: Oh, it's just that this company has a policy of not hiring veiled women.
Me: I see....
Recruiter: So, when should I schedule the interview for you?
Me: No, thanks......
Recruiters: What?
Me: Thank you, I'm not interested anymore.

A few days ago....sitting at a coffee shop with some friends. So, we're discussing work problems and job offers, and a girl, who is not my friend, but a friend of a friend says to me:

Her: Oh, your qualifications would be perfect for the job opening we just had at our company...
Me: Really....tell me more....
Her: But there's actually one problem
Me: What problem?
Her: We have a policy of not hiring un-veiled girls. You have to be veiled to get hired......
Me: Oh well, thanks anyway.

Twice, I was judged based on my appearance, albeit differently. How could such policies exist?? I mean, isn't this just plain discrimination!!

Whatever...................

It's been so long.......................

2006-11-14T16:18:00.000+02:00

I missed it here so much! But I'm back.....:) And planning to stay!

Him....Her

2006-08-16T14:56:00.000+03:00

Him: Do you love me?
Her: What?
Him: Do you love me?
Her: You look so serious, is this a real question?
Him: Yes, I am really asking you, do you love me?
Her: Of course I do, what's gotten into you today?
Him: Nothing. I'm just asking you a simple question.
Her: But why do you need to ask. You should know.
Him: Maybe I just need to hear it.
Her: Honey, is everything ok??
Him: I don't believe this, I am asking you a simple question and you are turning it into an interrogation.
Her: Ok, someone's in a bad mood today.
Him: Yes, I am in a bad mood today. Do you want to know why I'm in a bad mood?? Because my wife, the one I married because I fell in love with the moment I set eyes on, is unable to give me a satisfactory answer to a simple question I asked her.
Her: Honey, you asked me and I said of course I do. What's wrong with you??
Him: What's wrong with me! What's wrong with me! Nothing is wrong with me......I just need to hear more love in your answer. Do I have to beg for your love?? You say that I should know...how should I know?? We hardly see each other. You are either at work or with the kids. You are either tired or in a bad mood. I am the least of your priorities. Actually, I don't think I am one of your priorities.
Her: Hmmmm, what else?
Him: What else......are you mocking me?? Can't you even yell back?? Why aren't you reacting?? Where is the passion and enthusiasm that I so loved in you?? Where is the woman that I thought would rock my world every time I looked at her, even after 50 years?
Her: So you would be a happier man if I was yelling at you now??
Him: You know what? I want a divorce.
Her: What??!!!!
Him: You heard me, I want a divorce. I cannot live this lifeless life anymore. I want more passion, more love, I want more.......
Her: Excuse me, but what about what I want?
Him: Sorry?
Her: I want things too you know. Not asking for them doesn't mean I don't want them.
Him: What things?
Her: Well, I want to be thin and gorgeous like before I was when I had OUR children; I want to have enough money not to have to go out and work in a stupid job to help you out with the finances; I want to make love to you because I want to, not because I have to; I want to have time to read, to dance, to dream..........I want all those things and much, much more. But you know what? I am still happy without them, that's the difference between you and me. Just having you and the kids in my life is enough to make me happy.
Him: I am happy.
Her: Yeah right, obviously.
Him: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I have just been extremely frustrated and I didn't want to live this life anymore.
Her: Didn't mean to hurt me!!! Are you out of your mind?? You just asked for a divorce, because I was not yelling back at you. I've just found out the value of our family to you...nothing. You can throw our whole life away, because you want more passion in your life. I don't believe you, I really don't.
Him: That's not what I meant.
Her: Let me ask you, when you hear "I want a divorce", what does that sound like?? Does it sound like someone who doesn't want a divorce?? Does it??
Him: No, what I meant is......
Her: Whatever, forget it.
Him: What do you mean?
Her: I mean forget it. Forget we ever had this conversation. There's no point. Nothing will change. I'll stay the same and you will stay the same. Maybe we'll try to fulfill each others needs for a few weeks and then things will get back to the same old way. Let's be realistic. You can't afford a divorce and neither can I. We have the kids to think of. Life will go on. Your needs and my needs are not really the issue here. It's sad, but it's the truth.......and by the way, I really do love you, just in case you were really asking.

The Children

2006-07-26T10:01:00.000+03:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have been seeing horrific pictures of blown-up and murdered children on television and on the internet. Pictures of children who should've been playing, painting and jumping around - not blown to bits. The pictures are so heart wrenching that it is impossible not to feel outrage, sadness, depression and frustration....and so many more emotions. The pictures haunt me in my dreams; I think of them every waking moment. And I think of the mothers. How can a mother bear to see her child like that. I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of her suffering.

Imagine yourself a mother, looking down at your child who has just been burnt or lost a limb in an explosion. Your child is crying, reaching out for you, needing the safety and comfort that you have always provided him with. But this time you are completely helpless. You cannot do anything to ease his pain. You are probably screaming yourself, crying out in anguish. My baby is hurt, someone please help him. But nobody can - nobody can take away the pain. He will either die a slow death in front of your eyes, and your heart will bleed for every second of his suffering, or he will live, maimed for life, a shadow of what he might've been if things were different.
How can any mother endure that?

I will not talk politics, I don't care who is right and who is wrong. I don't care who started this war and what the history books say; that is a discussion for someone much more knowledgeable than myself. But I have a right to express the anger I feel when I see such cruelty, such unfairness.

To the mothers who have lost their children in this war, and all the other wars, nothing I can say will ever erase the grief and agony you have been through. I pray for you, I pray that you have the strength to go on living, the will to exist in this mad world that is governed by cruel, heartless people. I pray for you to find peace, to find forgiveness for those who tormented you and stole your happiness. I pray for you everyday.

To the children, the angels that light up every parent's life, no matter how bleak the circumstances are; on behalf of the human race, I apologize. We let you down. You deserve a much better place.

I hope that no mother and no child has to experience this, ever again. Amen.

Safe....with you

2006-07-03T14:17:00.000+03:00

I wake up suddenly....scared. Darkness is all around me. I can't move; I am paralyzed with fear. My heart is beating so fast. I am disoriented for a moment...where am I? Why am I scared? Slowly, I realize where I am but I can't figure out why I'm scared. I feel so helpless. I want to cry....I am soooooo scared. I can't shake off the fealing of fear. I need comfort, I need someone..........I need you.
Slowly, I move my arm and reach out to you. I touch your arm tentatively, and then hold on to it firmly. I edge closer until my body is touching yours. I rest my head on your shoulders. I close my eyes, and start breathing slowly. My heart beat slows down. Gradually, the fear lessens. I start relaxing......eventually, I fall asleep.
How could I have ever been scared with you by my side..................

2006-06-27T16:24:00.000+03:00

"We can never know the limits of our capabilities until we test them"

Grilled Corn

2006-06-13T09:49:00.000+03:00

Cairo (Some years ago)
I wake up to the sound of the street sellers calling out the names of the goods they're selling. The birds on the trees are chirping so loudly, I imagine they are over a hundred birds. I open the window and the soft breeze touches my cheeks....what a beautiful day. My grandma calls out to me that breakfast is ready, of course "foul" sandwiches and home-made pickles on the side. A quick shower, a change of clothes, and then breakfast with my grandma, and probabaly my aunt who comes over to spend the day with us. A lot of juicy gossip and then they're off to the kitchen to start preparing lunch. I am lazy, I talk to my friends on the phone, read a book and watch some television until it's time for lunch - another delicious meal. After lunch, we sit in the balcony enjoying the evening tea and talking some more. The scent of grilled corn fills the place, and I go down to buy some for all of us. By that time, we're joined by the rest of the extended family, my uncle, my cousins, and my parents who usually spend the vacation doing paperwork and decorating our apartment which we will live in one day when we come back to live in Egypt. That's the way it was most of the summer vacation; lazy days and noisy nights and grilled corn.
Cairo (Present time)
I was walking down the street last night and I was overwhelmed by a familiar smell - grilled corn. And then I was overwhelmed by so much more - the memory of how summer used to be, and a reminder of how much I have lost.
Summer is supposed to be a time of happiness and enjoyment. It is that, but it also means other things for me as well. Other things I don't share with anyone, but things that I feel anyway.
How can something as simple as a familiar smell bring up so many repressed feelings and emotions? It was as if I was transported back, to a different time, a different place and different people. The place, my grandma's villa, still stands as it used to before.......but I can't bear to go there anymore. Afterall, what is the value of a place without its inhabitants? Without the laughter, the gossip, the tasty food....it is just an empty space, empty of everything, cold and lonely. Another reminder of the good times that are lost now forever.
I was brought back to the present by my husband's voice asking me if I wanted to buy some grilled corn. I declined. Some other time maybe, but not tonight.
I've had enough grilled corn for one night.

Dear Dad.....

2006-05-30T12:55:00.000+03:00

Dear Dad,

I miss you.....so much. I have so many things to tell you. Things that I never got a chance to say before, and now I regret this every single day of my life. I wonder if you've forgiven me, or if you ever understood. I hope so. I find no comfort except in the thought that I was ignorant, I didn't know - I never expected that. I know that's not an excuse, I should've known better, but I really didn't. Sometimes I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to reach out and touch you, see you again, talk to you again. My helplessness suffocates me, and yet I pray that you are hearing my silent apologies. I hope I am reaching you, although I will never find out if I am. I was wrong, many times, I hurt you, many times, but I only realize that now. I did not see your pain then, or maybe I did, but I misunderstood it. The ignorance and pride of the young I guess - but again not an excuse. But I really never meant it. I love you more than you ever knew, but will you ever know now? Do you see me? Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do you feel my pain everytime I reach out but can't find you?
Are you happy? Did you find the peace that you were always searching for but never felt? I hope so. You deserve it. You suffered so much, you had the kindest of hearts - you always gave so much and expected so little in return, and even then you were deprived of what little you needed.
Everytime I remember how selfish I was, I am ashamed. I wish I knew better then. I wish I made you happy. I wish you are proud of me. I wish things were different, but they're not and they never will be.
I have accepted this. I have to accept it. It is God's will, and I have to live with it. What I can't accept is the idea that you may not have known how much I cared, how much you meant to me. That is why I am writing to you this letter. In the hope that, somehow, you will be able to hear me, hear my apologies, hear my love. Maybe it's an attempt at cleansing my soul of all the guilt, maybe after all, this is still a selfish gesture, but I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that every word I wrote is heartfelt. There is still so much more that I haven't written, but my words have failed me. And my courage to reach deeper into myself to extract what I need to say to you is escaping me.
Daddy, I just have to make sure that you know how much I love you, how much I loved you and how much I always will. I kiss your hands.

Papy, same7ny. Ba7ebak awy.

2006-05-21T15:12:00.000+03:00

I am bored and depressed and totally and completely stressed out. I am going through a yucky phase. It's been going on for sometime now, and I don't know when it will end. Crossraods. A difficult decision. Or do I just think it's difficult. Maybe it's not such a difficult choice, maybe I'm just creating difficulties for myself. I don't know, I really don't. Usually my approach is to say that God will direct me to the best solution, even if I think it's not. But why am I worried this time? Maybe because I'm too stressed, trying to evaluate my options from every angle. I know that whatever happens will be for the best. I know and believe in God's will. I just need to put a cap on what's bugging me. Ok, I'll try, really, I should. I mean there's no point. What am I gaining out of all this? except more stress. Which I definitely don't need now.

What will be, will be....................
Ché será será...............................

The "sad or happy" post

2006-05-14T15:11:00.000+03:00

I have been writing the "sad or happy post" for the past two weeks. Finally, I published it !! I guess I was too sad to finish it......

To judge...or not to judge

2006-05-04T15:29:00.000+03:00

This post is inspired by Loulou's post: "Lipstick in my hair".
Judging each other...why are we not more preoccupied with judging ourselves? Why is it much easier for us to pinpoint what is wrong with someone else, but when it comes to looking at our faults and assessing them....we just falter and find it something very difficult to do?
Is this something in our nature, being oblivious to our shortcomings? Or is it just the nature of some of us? Can we control this urge to form an opinion about someone else or is it something uncontrollable?
My personal opinion is that it is controllable! It is......Instead of providing our opinion on what someone should've done but didn't do, why don't we try putting ourslevs in their shoes. We are all human beings......we are all affected by emotions and feelings that are sometimes stronger than any rational thinking. How many times did you offer advice to a friend, but when faced with the same problem, were unable to solve it? The simple reason for that is that it was easy for us to see the solution when our judgement was not clouded by our emotions. I may seem off-topic here, but what I am trying to say is that we shouldn't judge people because we don't know what we would've done if we were in their shoes. Ideally, we shouldn't judge people PERIOD. But I know that that is asking for too much.
Most of my friends tell me that my best quality as a friend is that I'm a good listener. I listen, and if my advice is needed I try to offer it in the nicest way possible. And sometimes, not saying anything is the best you can do. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there is nothing comforting enough that can be said to make someone feel better. I have been in situations where a friend of mine would be beating herself up for doing something that she shouldn't have done...and at these times, what she needs to hear is that it's ok...it's ok to make a mistake...we are not perfect....don't beat yourself about it.....you are not a bad person.......it's a good thing that at least you realize that you did something wrong, some people never do. Move on...learn from your mistakes...learn from the mistakes of others....grow......and move on.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't form an opinion about things done around us....of course we should. Otherwise, we will never learn. But what I'm saying is that it should not reflect how we view a person. Our opinion should not give us the right to decide if that person is good or bad. Somehow, that would mean that you are a better person...but are you?
A quote comes to mind: "I have never met a man who was not my superior in some particular" (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Sad...or happy?

2006-04-30T15:11:00.000+03:00

Some days are really sad....and some are happy, and others are a mixture.
But somehow I have a feeling that most of our days are meant to be sad. Not sad as in crying, weeping and depressed sad. But sad as in reflecting on the misfortune of others, on the tragedies in life...on the meaning of life, and what we're supposed to learn from our experiences.....that's not real sadness, but I call it sad....I don't know why?? Maybe because when I'm in that reflective mood, most of the time I become sad.......or maybe because we're surrounded by sadness most of the time now.
I look around me and find young people dying just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I see my country suffocating beneath the weight of oppression, terrorism, and discrimination. I see people rising in the early morning to go earn a decent living for their children and having their dreams crushed because they can't afford to realize them. I see young men frustrated because they don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. And young women confused because they don't really understand what's happening around them. I see anger, frustration and defeat. I see people dying so young because they don't have the money to get treatment for cancer or heart disease. I see people fighting and killing each other in the name of religion. I see people too busy to give a damn about each other.
What happened?? Are my glasses too dark, or is this the truth? I am not a pessimist by nature; I alway manage to see the full half of the cup. I always try to find the best in the worst situation. Ok, some one please point out to me the best......now!

Have you ever thought,
what you mean to me?
Have you ever known,
how much you can hurt me?
Do you even care??

Terrorism........Damn you!

2006-04-26T14:56:00.000+02:00

I am too upset to write anything further.

Missing you..................

2006-04-06T13:56:00.000+02:00

A day comes by, and a day passes
The pain is there.....everlasting.....

Daydreaming - Be careful what you wish for.......

2006-04-03T15:23:00.000+02:00

A female spends more than three quarters of her life daydreaming. Of course, that's not statistically correct, that' s just my personal opinion. We daydream about the knight in shining armour, we daydream about a day at the spa, or of a new magical pill that will make us lose all those extra pounds...........we daydream of a life where everything is perfect, just the way we like it. Well, is it healthy? To a certain extent of course; afterall, it's a place where we can just forget all about our everyday worries, where we are happy because everything is going the way we plan.......for a few minutes at least, and then we're back to reality and the cycle continues.
I was very big on daydreaming......did all the time, at school, after school, at university, at work, at home...everywhere. Those precious few minutes where the hottest guy in school has actually chosen me to take to the prom.....or where I've aced all my exams and come in the top ten in university, or where my heart has beaten for the first time and the feeling is reciprocated, or where top management has suddenly decided that I am management material and I definitely need to be promoted.....that was taking it to the limit, don't you think...:) But seriously, haven't we all gone through that...haven't we all tailored our dreams to be the perfect, unblemished clone of our reality? Don't we always have a solution in our dreams to whatever is going wrong in our life? But you know what?? maybe that's not always a good thing.....
There's a real life story I read in a newspaper a while back, that has remained with me since then, and has affected very much my idea of daydreaming. A woman wrote that she has been married to her husband for 15 years and that they were very much in love. Ten years into their marriage, her husband had an accident that left him crippled and unable to work. So, with three kids to feed and send to school, she had to go out to work to provide for the family, as her husband was unable to find work suitable to his condition. Her days began very early, where she had to go to work, come back late in the afternoon, cook, clean, do the laundry, help the kids with their homework, and spend time with her husband, who was always grouchy because of the guilt and complicated feelings that came with someone going through such an ordeal. He was also unable to perform his marital duties. She was worn out physically and emotionally. Her only moments of peace were right before she fell asleep. She used to daydream to escape her reality. Her day dream was the same every day. She used to dream that her husband had died- not divorced him because she loved him and would never divorce him- and that a very wealthy man had showed up right after that to tell her that he had loved her for a long time and wanted to marry her. She would agree to marry him, leave work, get servants, buy lots of clothes and jewellery, send her children to the best schools, and enjoy a wonderful and loving relationship with her new husband. Her dream would end every day on that happy note, and she would fall asleep peacefully.
Suddenly, her husband died.......... not in her daydream, but in her real life. And she was devastated. She could not function, she felt that her whole world had collapsed. The love of her life had died....the father of her children.........her companion of fifteen years....the only man she ever wanted. And she remembered her day dream........and the guilt was just about enough to kill her.
Of course, the editor of the newspaper tried to tell her not to feel bad, that there was no way she could've known that this would happen, and so on. But the story touched me so much.....I wanted to reach out to this woman, I wanted to take the pain away.....but I couldn't of course. No body could.....she had to make peace with herself on her own........I don't judge her for having that dream......I don't think that she is a bad person............I never really believed that she wanted her husband to die. I know that it was only a dream to escape........just like all our day dreams......we were just lucky......our dreams did not come true.....
Unfortunately, hers did........

Holding Back

2006-03-23T15:58:00.000+02:00

When I first started this blog, I thought that I would have so much to write, that I won't have time to do anything else. But I've found that I am still holding back....don't know why. Maybe because after reading several blogs avidly for the past month, I have found that I have come to know the people who write in them so well......maybe more than if I knew them in person. I feel that writing your thoughts, your beliefs, excerpts from your daily life for people to read may paint a clearer picture of who you really are, than interacting with co-workers, or with family members you have hardly anything in common with. It's strange, but writing actually does that. Maybe we're more open when we write, or maybe we can express ourselves more through written words than spoken ones. Or maybe we're just braver when we're hiding in cyberspace. Or maybe it's just me........
Or maybe it's because I haven't really determined the identity of my blog. I mean, will I write anything that comes to mind?? Will I talk about my life?? Will I express my political and cultural views....or will it be a combination of all....I guess so far it's a combination.......I guess I'll stick with combination......anyway, we'll see.
I'm actually feeling better now ........I think I like blogging ;)

Nostalgia

2006-03-12T15:36:00.000+02:00

Something is pulling me back....something so powerful...I am resisiting...but there is such a bittersweet feeling that cannot be ignored. I know I can control it.....that urge to be repossesed by the memories....but I don't want to...I want to succumb to that feeling...even if for just a little while...enjoy it...mellow in it's peacefulness....
But suddenly, it's not peaceful anymore...it's painful...so painful that I can actually feel it physically. An ache so profound, I cannot overcome it even if I tried. And then it's peaceful again....and I have the choice to ignore it.
But again...I choose not to................

In the Twilight

2006-03-08T16:17:00.000+02:00

In the Twilight,
There is no doubt,
That hearts will soften,
And souls enlighten

Let us join hands,
Under the clear sky,
And pray for blessings,
And ask no more

Love and Tenderness,
That's all we need,
To change the world,
And beat the worst

Our time has passed,
The light has gone,
Reality is back,
And it's far too late...........

Lies

2006-02-27T14:36:00.000+02:00

I am so sick and tired of them. The lies.......the deceit...the backstabbing. When will it ever end. Why do people do that. To advance in their career...to earn more money?? What is this? Doesn't anyone understand the true meaning of life. It's not worth it...none of it. Why can't we just be good to each other. Why can't we be honest.....We can't be perfect of course. But, why can't we try to strive for something just a bit less. Why lose a friend or a colleague willingly, why give up someone's love for something materialistic....or not even that...for something utterly and completely self-serving, even of it is the feeling of superiority. There's nothing wrong with ambition.....nothing wrong with trying to better yourself. Do your best, be honest and ethical....and in the end you will be rewarded. Maybe not with a huge paycheck, or an impressive title....but at least with people's love and respect.

Maybe I'm talking of an ideal world......but I truly believe that's the way we should act. We will make mistakes...we will hurt each other every now and then......but we will not mean it...it just happens because we are human beings susceptible to making mistakes....but not because we meant it.

People around me never ceaze to amaze me. I learn something every day from just watching them act and react. But sometimes, somethings are too much for me to comprehend. Sometimes, I cannot put myself in their shoes......I just can't....I keep asking why?? why?? why was that necessary?? why did she have to shout at her....why did he have to hurt her?? why? It doesn't make any sense.

How can someone know you for so long...and still misunderstand your intentions. Not misunderstand an action....but the whole intention behind the action.....How is that so?? Do I have to prove myself to you everyday?? Don't you know me by now? That is just not me....I would never think like that....let alone act on it.......no way. You should've known better. But I forgive you....surrounded by all the lies and deceit in this world......you have no choice but to believe anything....however much unexpected it may be.

I just want people to remember that....what goes around, comes around.

A New Experience

2006-02-22T15:50:00.000+02:00

I was just introduced to the World of blogging yesterday. And I loved it. I loved the idea of being able to express my feelings with complete freedom......and I love to write. I used to write, all the time, pour my heart out. But then, my heart was light....not anymore. So I stopped. But now, I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I allowed myself to hybernate.....to lose touch wth my inner being. All of you bloggers inspired me. And I thank you....from the bottom of my heart.